Where Do We Go From Here

So the last couple of days have really been hard on Justin and I. I would like to think that it is his fault that he doesn't pay enough attention to me or that he doesn't do nice things for me, but frankly that is a bunch of crap.

It has been hard on us lately because I am nervous about moving in together. I know I shouldn't be. He is the best thing that has happened to me. He loves me, genuinely cares about me and most of all respects and treats me as an equal in this relationship. We have the same ideas about how we want to raise a family, what kind of marriage we want, and the plans we see for our future.

I just can't understand my extreme desire to constantly pick fights and cause arguments with him. I never really did this with my ex-boyfriends. I mean Brendan and I fought a bunch but I am not sure if it is the same thing that is going on here. Maybe it is my personality. Maybe I just can't allow myself to be happy or I think constantly that soon the man in the relationship is going to show who he really is and leave me.

I have been thinking about it all day since I had a nervous breakdown this morning in the car and the only thing I can come up with is I amazingly am self confident in my life but not in this relationship. I constantly think he is going to leave so I test whether or not he will leave and in turn cause extreme dysfunction within our relationship.

I mean I know there is something wrong when I can't stop thinking about him and his ex's. I really don't even care about their emotional relationships as much as I care about their sexual relationship. I don't understand what the hell is going on with me! I have never cared about other people my ex's slept with, why do I care now?

I love this man. I can't deny that. I have never felt this way about a single human being in my life. I worship the ground he walks on and though we argue I can't see my life without him. I just wish I could figure out what I could do to change the way I think and feel so that I could be 100% a part of this relationship.